Archives for the month of: January, 2010

State of the Union

January 27, 10 //

Obama’s state of the union address was on tonight, and I made sure to watch the entire thing, start to finish. The speech was rousing. In many ways I feel that it was just what I needed. Every time Obama speaks I feel empowered and filled with a “renewed sense of purpose” as a citizen. It’s a great word, citizen. I’ve really only felt like a citizen during this administration and the election season beforehand. Obama’s speech tonight made it clear, for those who doubted or for those who had forgotten, that there is a goal to our struggle, an end to the American endeavour, and that for us to fulfill this end we, unified, must put aside petty things and deal the harsh realities that face us. This all sounds clichéd when I write it, but coming out of his mouth it feels much different.

He looked directly at congress, especially the Republicans, and essentially said “Cut it out. There are serious problems that must be tackled. This is not a time to act like children.” It felt good.

Got an appointment with the doctor on Friday. There is a laundry list of relatively minor things that I’d like to go over with her. I just hope that I remember them all when I get there.

I was less enthusiastic about Obama’s mention of clean coal and nuclear power. There is no such thing as clean coal, and nuclear power cannot be the best choice for future generations [added after the actual journal entry: Dealing with nuclear waste is a big problem. The stuff just accumulates over time and we don't really have any disposal solutions that don't involve the construction (or excavation) of quarantined sites that must be constantly maintained and monitored, and whose long-term effectiveness we've yet to ascertain]. I understand that these may fit more neatly into our existing economy and energy infrastructure, but when Obama talks about making the best decisions for tomorrow’s sake, I feel that a good energy policy should be included in those decisions.

Job Prospects

January 23, 10 //

The time that I don’t spend writing is the time when a ton of things happen in my life. I guess that it’s hard to sit down and document everything when you’re busy. The last few days have been ehctice. I went back to work on Wednesday. Even though I’d been gone for three workdays it was like nothing had changed. My desk was mostly untouched; piles of neglected paperwork still stood tall next to the overstuffed bin full of even more paperwork. I hate paperwork. Brigitte was still her frantic and take-charge self. Betty was still chatty, and the rest of the team was still ridiculous.

I called [omitted: a non-profit organization] about their Craigslist ad and they called me back the next day. I went to an interview on Thursday and apparently it went well because they want me to come & canvas for them. I’m really quite tempted. I’d be able to work better hours, commute to San Jose on my bike, and work for something that I care about. On the other hand I’d make less money, have no health insurance for three months, and have very little job security. But I’d be doing something good, something right. Do I do what’s best or do I hunker down & continue working for the Man? Lame. I feel like such a yuppie. Well, a yuppie who lives in the suburbs with slight hippieish tendencies. I dunno.

On Thursday I got to ride my bike for the first time in a week. I took it to work that morning and brought it with me on the VTA for the interview downtown. Even though it was still raining a bit I enjoyed being outside. People weren’t meant to be in buildings all day.

Shayna spent the night last night. We had a couple of beers together. Hadn’t really done that since before she got sick in September. I’d forgotten what it is like to have a nice buzz.

[A sizeable chunk has been omitted here, as it pertains to unpublishable things.]

Right now Serita and her friends are out in San Francisco dancing their hearts out at Temple. I had the opportunity to go but passed it over. I don’t think that my body would’ve been up to it at that point. Part of me is regretting the decision to stay, but it’s best. I miss hanging out with Serita & Company, though.

Deleted Entry

January 22, 10 //

[I tried writing an entry during my break at work. Didn't work out too well, so I've scrapped it. Not everything gets to be on the internet.]

Guilty

January 19, 10 //

I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I came up short in adhering to my customs. I didn’t go to work today. My absence in this case was actually legitimate as I am still sick and possibly contagious, but when I called my manager, Dave, and told him that I would not be in I could hear the disdain in his voice. I know that tomorrow, should I go in, I’ll get the look of death from Brigitte and the cold shoulder from the rest of my co-workers. Not looking forward to it.

I drove again today, and not to a place that’s over twenty miles away, but rather just around town. I could’ve biked to the grocery store and been just fine but I drove because I’m tired and lazy. The rest was nice, though. Everytime I’ve gone walking or biking the last few days it’s worn me out. Even now in the mid-afternoon I’m drowsy.

The last thing I feel guilty about is the ice cream. After stopping by the grocery store I went looking for rain pants at the local sports goods and bicycle stores. Instead of ran pants I found a Baskin Robbins and ordered two scoops of deliciousness atop a sugar cone. According to their nutritional figures posted inside I consumed a potential seven-hundred and forty-five calories in less than fifteen minutes. At least I didn’t eat a ton beforehand.

It just started thundering outside. The worst of the storms should be today and tomorrow. My hope is that they subside by the weekend.

Short Days

January 18, 10 //

Small entries for uneventful days. I didn’t get a lot done. I was supposed to do laundry, clean the kitchen and prep food for tomorrow, but none of it happened. I didn’t even sleep in much today, waking up at eight instead of the usual five. Didn’t feel good waking up. I think that during the day I’m mostly okay, but I still wake up in the morning with fever aches, congestion, and a whole lot of coughing. Most of the morning and afternoon was spent watching daytime television and cruising through Craigslist. In the early evening I walked to a Chinese place downtown. The walk was nice and I didn’t get too winded going back & forth. I guess I’ve been having a bit of a salt craving after last night’s dinner. I’m hoping that I do okay tomorrow.

More Rain

January 18, 10 //

rain

Originally uploaded by keynell4

Rain

January 17, 10 //

It rained. It rained just like the weatherman said it would. There were no specks of sunlight or rays peeking through the clouds. Just rain and a color-sucking desaturated but not-quite-gloomy field of plainness that hung around throughout the day. It made everything slower. I like that.

Shayna loves the rain. She loves the thought-provoking melancholy it brings, as well as its unique sound that helps her little insomniac body sleep. She gives me so much crap when I tell her that I’m not crazy about it.

Crazy is something that I am not. I don’t hate the rain. To tell the truth, I enjoy it. I enjoy looking at it, hearing it, smelling it. I enjoy how it affects us: it makes us (hopefully) more careful and deliberate in our doings. One goes from walking, biking or driving to having to walk, bike, or drive in the rain. When the weather is bad everyone (in a certain locale) suddenly has something in common and they are all that much closer to each other. When it rains it brings back memories of past rainy days, forcing us to be introspective. So yeah, rain has a lot going for it. What I don’t like are the physical realities that rain brings: being cold and being wet.

It is for that reason that I drove today. I’m not proud of it, but I did manage to stay dry and make it to San Jose in under thirty minutes. I usually only drive when Shayna is own her with me, since I can’t fit her on my drop-down handlebars, and even then those are mostly short trips in town. I haven’t driven that far by myself in a while. It was nice.

Once in San Jose I got to hang out with Shayna for a bit. We went and saw The Book of Eli at the theater on Almaden road. It was pretty good. I’m not a religious person but I like the idea of dedicated Old-Testament style prophets that Eli seems to represent. He’s a man of unshakeable faith who is dedicated to his holy mission, and just so happens to kick ass. The film may not win any awards but I look forward to owning a copy when it becomes available.

After the movie we went and got Chinese food at restaurant not far from the neighborhood. I think it was called “Pearl River” but I’d have to check. Got the classic won ton soup and something new to me: cashew chicken. Tasty. The meal wasn’t too expensive, but I’ve had Chinese food just as good and for less. I’d still go again, though.

Thinking about Eli again. I’d like to have that kind of faith. Once, in a lecture, Professor Sanchez brought up Kierkegaard’s concept of the “Knight of Faith”. Eli seems to be that kind of character. He knows that he’s on a mission from God and does not deviate. Wait, I take that back. There is a scene where he hesitates and must verbally remind himself to stay on the path. So no knight of faith, but he’s close. To truly and honestly believe in something that is absurd, this is what I lack. This is why I am jealous of Eli, and why I am fascinated by fanatics. This kind of belief is completely foreign to me. Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe some of my core beliefs and assumptions are equally absurd and I’m just chasing after something I’ve already got. Maybe the difference is that some would die for their crazy convictions, whereas I’d wuss out and give in when pushed. So, then, I wonder, to consistently be willing to sacrifice one’s life for one’s beliefs, what is that like? How does that feel? Abraham knew, and so did the hijackers who took down the twin towers. Frightening, but it does not lessen my curiosity.

Stir-crazy

January 16, 10 //

Still sick, but getting better. Oh, and I’ve a new journal. I’m pretty excited about it, the same kind of excitement that I feel when I purchase any new material thing, really. I’ve been conditioned to feel this way by my consumerist culture, but the feeling is mine and the feeling is real. This journal has more narrowly spaced lines than what I’ve been writing in, and the whole this is about three-quarters the size.

It’s going to rain tomorrow. I’m rather bummed out y this. I’ve not been able to ride my bike much because of this temporary illness, and now that I’m starting to recover the environment turns against me. That’s fine, though. The valley could really use the rain. One of the cable channels I receive is dedicated to public notices and announcements. Most of the time it relays messages about our need to conserve water. The valley has been in a drought for the last few years. Hopefully the rain will help.

Still, though, I’ve spent most of my last three days stuck inside with very few exceptions. My apartment is lovely, but I need to get out.

Shayna may go see Avatar with her family tomorrow or the next day, and I may be able to join them, if I’m feeling healthy enough to make the trek up. Taking the car is also an option, but I feel guilty whenever I resort to driving, especially when I don’t have passengers. Maybe tomorrow the fever & mucus will be gone and I’ll be able to bike the nine or so miles to the lightrail station. Or I could just shell out the cash and take the bus. Hrm.

My mother seemed off tonight. She says it’s because she’s pissed off at my dad at the moment, but I feel that there is something else. She tries to keep her feelings to herself, but they always make it to her face.

My body is getting tired. It becomes more and more difficult to stay up like this, so I shouldn’t make it a habit.

Shayna’s gone. While it is nice to have time to oneself, I miss her. I guess I’ll just have to sit here and listen to Radiohead by myself. Damn, that is depressing. I’d better go and start emotionally eating.

Sick

January 15, 10 //

I am sick. I am paranoid. This is probably the most sick I’ve been for a couple of years. Not hospital sick, just uncomfortably so.

When I was little I would get sick like this often. I imagine that it is much easier to catch a communicable disease when your immune system is fresh, shiny, and new and when you’re surrounded by unsanitary children. This will probably pass soon. Everyone else who caught this same ailment recovered in less than a week, so there’s not too much to worry about, at least not yet. Hopefully there won’t be any lingering effects from this.

The earthquake in Haiti has dominated the news lately. Just a few pictures here and there and scraps of video. IT’s all horrible. There was an image of the presidential palace shown in shambles and another showing the thousands of bodies strewn about the streets, exposed. A report read that one in three Haitians are affected directly by the quake (read: killed, injured, or rendered homeless), and this is of course not counting the thousands of friends and families who are in mourning. Events like this only strengthen my belief that either there is no god, or if there is, He is cruel and unjust. No one should have to endure this, not even the most wicked of people.

What bothered me was my initial lack of response. All this is going on and I still, for the most part, do nothing. When I heard about the Red Cross’ SMS-to-donate deal I hesitated. Did I really want to part with ten dollars of my own money Would it be worth it? What absurd questions! People are dead and dying and all I could think about was how this would affect my phone bill at the end of the month. Cannot be bothered, I guess. Within the next few minutes I capitulated to my guilt and sent the money, but still, I should freely and willingly want to help and give rather than having to be goaded into the most minimal of gestures by a guilty conscious. What really gets me is that I know I won’t change: simply put it is far easer being miserly than it is being giving. I feel like the narrator from Camus’ The Fall, confessing my sins and misgivings, only without the same sense of self-exoneration.

My girlfriend is here taking care of me while I’m sick. She got here last night and she’s sleeping next to me as I write this. Well, maybe half-sleeping. She’s not used to being up and about this early in the morning. It is nice to see her face resting; she gets such little sleep anyway, let alone being woken up every hour by a sick significant other. Her eyes and mouth are shut, her small hands reach to scratch her equally small nose. I think I like her.

Cursive

January 11, 10 //

For some reason I find it difficult to sit down & write at my desk. I used to be able to write paragraph after paragraph of text on my old laptops and desktops, but as time goes on I associate these tools more and more with work. I already spend eight hours of my day sitting at a desk with a screen and keyboard and when it comes to the leisurely use of the computer my mind draws a complete blank. I can sit at my desk at home for long periods of time reading articules on digg, checking facebook/twitter or even “window” shopping, but I can’t keep still and write more than two or three sentences anymore. This is bothersome to me.

I used to keep a blog. Well, I used to keep many blogs, each at a different time and each with a different purpose. My first one was at diaryland.com. Jon, a friend of mine in high school, helped me set it up, and I mostly wrote for him because he was the only one to read it. I then kept a Xanga page at the request of Arpita, a girl I fancied during my freshman year at Loyola. Things quickly fizzled with Arpita, and so did the blog. There were a couple of livejournal pages here and there, each made before Facebook was as popular as it is today (Though I’ve had my Facebook since 2004!). I remember that all of the younger and geekier trans people at the DeFrank center would all use LJ. In 2006 I purchased web space and used it for journaling and then more recently for journaling in Esperanto.

I think I started the blogs at this address to fend off boredom & depression as a way to keep myself sane. When I started my first website I had just flunked out of school the year prior and was living with my parents. I felt alone. I felt ashamed. The blog was a way to connect with people who weren’t there.

I took up Esperanto briefly in 2008 to keep my mind at work, and also because I wanted to learn something new. I got bored, though. Esperanto is lovely, but there is no one to speak with face to face out here. The nearest group is in Palo Alto and they only meet at night at hours way to late for a south bay person who starts work at 6:00 AM sharp. Though I still like to study it off and on, I find that my clinging to it may also fade, like everything else.

So what to do with this journal? For one, I’m changing how I write it: this first entry was written with pen and paper. I should probably take a picture to prove it. Secondly, I want to actually maintain this journal, because it is a shame to buy web space and not o anything with it. Lastly, I want my journal to be authentic. I can’t write this for anyone else, real or imagined. It does seem ironic, though saying that and publishing it. Perhaps I’ll be an authentic hypocrite. I have no problem with this.

Writing this, on paper, away from screen has been therapeutic. I should do this more often. Let’s hope that I can read my own handwriting this time tomorrow.

Also, this last year I’ve started using cursive again. It pretty much rocks.