Cursive

For some reason I find it difficult to sit down & write at my desk. I used to be able to write paragraph after paragraph of text on my old laptops and desktops, but as time goes on I associate these tools more and more with work. I already spend eight hours of my day sitting at a desk with a screen and keyboard and when it comes to the leisurely use of the computer my mind draws a complete blank. I can sit at my desk at home for long periods of time reading articules on digg, checking facebook/twitter or even “window” shopping, but I can’t keep still and write more than two or three sentences anymore. This is bothersome to me.

I used to keep a blog. Well, I used to keep many blogs, each at a different time and each with a different purpose. My first one was at diaryland.com. Jon, a friend of mine in high school, helped me set it up, and I mostly wrote for him because he was the only one to read it. I then kept a Xanga page at the request of Arpita, a girl I fancied during my freshman year at Loyola. Things quickly fizzled with Arpita, and so did the blog. There were a couple of livejournal pages here and there, each made before Facebook was as popular as it is today (Though I’ve had my Facebook since 2004!). I remember that all of the younger and geekier trans people at the DeFrank center would all use LJ. In 2006 I purchased web space and used it for journaling and then more recently for journaling in Esperanto.

I think I started the blogs at this address to fend off boredom & depression as a way to keep myself sane. When I started my first website I had just flunked out of school the year prior and was living with my parents. I felt alone. I felt ashamed. The blog was a way to connect with people who weren’t there.

I took up Esperanto briefly in 2008 to keep my mind at work, and also because I wanted to learn something new. I got bored, though. Esperanto is lovely, but there is no one to speak with face to face out here. The nearest group is in Palo Alto and they only meet at night at hours way to late for a south bay person who starts work at 6:00 AM sharp. Though I still like to study it off and on, I find that my clinging to it may also fade, like everything else.

So what to do with this journal? For one, I’m changing how I write it: this first entry was written with pen and paper. I should probably take a picture to prove it. Secondly, I want to actually maintain this journal, because it is a shame to buy web space and not o anything with it. Lastly, I want my journal to be authentic. I can’t write this for anyone else, real or imagined. It does seem ironic, though saying that and publishing it. Perhaps I’ll be an authentic hypocrite. I have no problem with this.

Writing this, on paper, away from screen has been therapeutic. I should do this more often. Let’s hope that I can read my own handwriting this time tomorrow.

Also, this last year I’ve started using cursive again. It pretty much rocks.